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Swirling vortex we call Life.
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bella eccentric. 總是學不會 leave.
Layout: vehemency the past.
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Sunday, January 4, 2015, 6:31 PM
你我又何尝不是
你我又何尝无错何尝不是会受皮肉之伤，会因为别人的一言一行而受到伤害的人类？ 我们何尝不是习惯了世俗的眼光，旁人的讥讽，围观者的风凉话？ 又何尝不是饱受这些痛处，捂着伤口继续的行走下去？ 我又何尝不是？同样是有血有泪之人，就会承受着同样被伤害的机会 我不是忘记了爱情 或许是爱情忘记了我 又或许是妄自说出爱情两字的人 并不真的理解字中涵义 为什么你高兴的时候是爱情 不高兴的时候就不是 难道爱情不应该是可以经历风雨 承受风吹雨打 冷言冷语的吗 既然是你自己定义出的爱情 那又何以爱情这两字 我累了 是身心的疲惫 又或者是活着活着才发现自己的极限已经到了 回头一望原来只是一条已经被黑暗吞噬被树木掩盖着的小径 我回不去了 可是不想往前了 难道一直以来的努力都是枉费的吗 在别人眼里的我是如何 并不重要 可是我们经历了风雨 你伴我走过高山 我带你走过荆棘之路 我们又何尝不是人 可是再难挨的难道我就没有一同在左右吗 为什么我的付出就不是付出 为什么他的贡献就是情 我不是要比较 你要如何看我 我不在乎 可是关乎别人的事情 你怎么可以忍心说出口 忘记了当初是谁牵着你的手 伴你走过多少充满荆棘的路 和你携手完成过多少事 你都没有看在眼里吗 你都不记得了 其实我们任何一个都是出于一份爱意才会心甘情愿为你做事的吗 你又何必钻牛角尖 我们何尝不是人 什么时候不会犯错 可是错了又如何 我们的错是大家都看不过眼的吗 还是唯独你一个忍受不了我们的缺陷 我们不完美 很多事情是否能够完成不在我们的控制范围里头 如果完成的了 我们什么时候没有迎合过你的要求 何时对你的任何一个要求说过不 或许在你眼里我们真的就是应该的 理所当然的 被迫的 可是任谁也不会一忍再忍 即使是站在面临崩溃的悬崖上 我们什么时候不是先想过你 想想你会不会同意你会不会喜欢 并不是要你报答也不要求任何的赔偿 我只是希望我们永远都会是一体 无论有再难以忍耐的缺陷也好 不会拍拍屁股走人 都会想着要忍着 因为我们是一体 所以在什么时候 我们对你的需要 和你对我们的需要永远都会是一样多的 我是长大了 是懂事了 可是我不明白 如果可以在一起为什么选择分开 是什么样的思想让你会有这种念头 我爱你 虽然我很别扭很骄傲 不擅长表达 有时候爱耍脾气 喜欢骂人 责怪别人 很慢热 很自私 可是爱情始终是爱情 不会在不高兴的时候突然就不爱了 我又何尝不是人 辛酸苦辣还是会尝尽的 可是我说的爱 不会是一两天的事 你能看得出来吗 Tuesday, December 16, 2014, 6:13 PM
And I'm already gone
People may be such dickwads sometimes. Aside from the fact that they cannot have the decency to check their grammar (alright, Grammar Nazi here. Irrelevant.) (Incorrect. Proper grammar is always relevant.), some people just need to grow the fuck up.Swear to God (despite being an agnostic) some people are just so childish in their thinking even though they can be years older. What are you, five? (Probably.) I reckon that through my self-reflection sessions that I've had with myself I've grown to be a little more contented with who I am. I still don't think I'm good enough and I'm still flawed in the things I don't like to see in myself, but at least I know where it's wrong and whether or not I'm working on changing them, I am aware that it is wrong. Is it not the most redeeming quality in a human to be able to differentiate right from wrong and attempt to rectify the wrong into being the right? I'm happy with being who I am and being in this skin. I think all this alone time in Sydney helped out because there wasn't anyone around who could tell me off or tell me that I'm not good enough. What if I think I'm good enough for me and for the other person who will love this flawed personality. I no longer walk around cautious about the judgements from people around me and that makes me liberated on an entirely new level. I still concur that I am inadequate in more ways than one, but at least I don't have to take no shit from people if I don't want to. You are not allowed to tell me I'm not good enough. Only I can, and that's only because I want to. I think I've matured even more in this period of time, and not just in the sense of being capable of thinking for myself - I've been able to do that for as long as I can remember because I'm nineteen going on ninety. I think I've matured in that I know what it is I want from myself and it isn't perfection, because despite talking about how unattainable it is, I've never been able to come to terms that I won't ever be the perfect human being and no one else in this world can, either. I'm happy being the flawed person that I am, even though at times I might still put myself down because I feel inadequate and critical and want to be the top of the world when I know that is impossible for pretty much everyone. I've learnt to stand up for myself against people and understand myself better - that being so hard on yourself is a painful affair and no one will gain out of this, not unless it helps to shape you as a person. That hatred is a rather futile matter and it only grows when you fuel it. That everyone is entitled to their opinion and no, just because you might be more intelligent than the average human doesn't make your opinion right all the time. (This is a point I still struggle with, but I'm working on it.) Maybe it's because my dad never puts me down and while I can't say he's generous with his compliments, he gives them sparingly and he never never says anything mean to me that makes me feel smaller than I really am. I think that's why I can live as myself here. Social interaction is still a pain in the ass and I still hate talking to people who don't have brains because they are insufferable and they say the dumbest things sometimes, but as long as it isn't a personality flaw and they are contented with being who they are - just like how I am with myself, now - then who am I to comment on them? I suppose it doesn't matter in the end if you're intelligent or just don't have the capacity to think for yourself (though that makes you really pathetic, I think) as long as you're happy. And is that not what we live for? Why else do we put up with the menial duties of living as a human if not for happiness? So I've grown a little more open with people. I still might not like people as much as I wish I would, and I might still be awkward and still get anxious when people first approach me and I might feel like I will pass out if I'm in a completely foreign environment with only strangers around me. But that's that. Just like how people love themselves for being them, I try to love them for being them. They might not have the most redeeming qualities and they're not the brightest bulb out there, but they are special. In a way that he is, she is, they are, we are, I am. I still don't enjoy the possibility of a disappointment whenever I meet someone new because they might harm and hurt you and betray you and I think I've lost all hope I should have in humans to bear with such disappointment anymore. But how can we tell with such certainty that it will be a disappointment if we don't attribute a certain possibility of failure to it? And with failure naturally comes success and who's to say that won't happen? Instead of being pessimistic, I suppose I just am used to the idea of being pessimistic. I might even be pessimistic because I enjoy the idea of it. It's always so much easier to give things up because 'oh, I don't think it'll work out' and when they say 'don't be so pessimistic' the natural answer is always 'but that's who I am'. Maybe I've been at this because this had always been the most convenient excuse and being pessimistic is so easy, always. It takes you extra effort to see the good in a bad situation, but where is the difficulty of finding a bad in every small thing you see - big or small, good or bad? If it's a good thing, there's always going to be a bad part. And someone the bad glowers at you and beckons and it's so, so simple to fall straight into the vortex of negativity and think 'oh yeah, I can't see the light anymore. This is not difficult. Just stay here'. It's a tough step to take to see the happy in everything because everyone has their days and maybe every day just isn't Your Day. But why should it stop you? I'm not saying to be a happy-go-lucky or be an enthusiast about everything out there (that will be really tiring, I reckon) but don't be contented with being negative because it's the easy way out. There is never going to be an easy way out of life. You just have to finish the trail to the end without the shortcut and maybe you'll see more pleasing scenery you never thought you would witness. I'm rambling; this was supposed to be a rant about an imbecile spouting remarks about other people. But once established that you're better than that other person who finds pleasure in hurting other people with their grammatically incorrect sentences, there really is nothing about it. You can only hope that the victim of their words will gain some strength and find out that once you let their comments get to you, that's the end. They can have their opinions, but why should it matter? They don't affect your happiness and you don't live for them. Some people are just god damned stupid, really. But if you for a moment try to understand how pathetic they are by trying to show off their qualifications because they have low self-esteem and this is the only part of their life they're so fucking proud of, you can pity them. And I think your pity will only be more miserable than your hate to them. Because only with pity have they realised that they are not disliked for who they are, but that they have flaws in themselves they should change. It's not that you're superior for pitying them, though. It's just that I have the right mind to see a problem in myself to change it and well, you obviously don't. It's pathetic how you keep telling people how good you are at something and throwing out big names and words and pretending that you're so damn fucking good when the working half of the world knows all these big names and words by heart they think you're joking when you pride yourself against listing these words out. This is why they pity you. Because not only are you contented with having a problem, you think you're so good yourself, when you're dying on the inside. I wish I cared enough to heal you and tell you this is an issue you have to deal with, but words probably fall on deaf ears with people like you. Someone told me 'you can never change people, but the only one you can change is yourself' and that's actually right on so many levels. I was angry, but I'm not the victim, after all, and if this issue is brought into the wrong hands with owners that cannot think for themselves and persist on making someone else the 'better person', then you only have tragedy in your hands. And I wish you good luck. Friday, November 28, 2014, 7:45 PM
Dolly
She was exquisite. The sharp prominent features carved her flesh in the best angles and they were strong enough to be pronounced in a shadow. The lights only needed to hit hard enough.It stung, the light. She thought it wasn't so bad - that she could tolerate this slight prick if she can appear just a little more perfect. After all, wasn't the pain she went through so much more unbearable than this? So she doesn't mind the way her skin was exposed to the light or how they burnt her flesh slowly. She kept her eyes on the floor, where her features were pronounced in a cast shadow. The light was her refuge. It reminded her how her pain had paid off and that she looked beautiful now. The light is an honour. Why should it choose to shine on her if she isn't the most deserving of its radiance? And slowly it melts. It melts the casing she had thrown onto herself and it reduces her insides into mush and she only really sees it when the shadow she casts is tucked in the middle and starts to peel off around the core. It diminishes. But maybe it's too late. She scrambles and her fingers clutch helplessly at the floor and she realises that as she crouches down, she's become more insignificant. So she struggles up again, and yet her fingers don't reach the ground and she's not near enough to catch her shadow. She's too far from the beautiful one she recognises as herself. Flustered. But she doesn't feel, or at least she thinks she doesn't feel. Maybe it's her insides melted down into nothing. Maybe inside, she's just a puddle of emotions that don't find their way through the right place to flow into. And she remembers tears. But she cannot find the compartment in her that's responsible for them, because they've all been reduced to things she cannot categorise. They melt. Her flesh, her skin, her bones, her lungs, her kidney. She turns into ash. And perhaps her heart might be beating, still, only she doesn't remember where she's put it. And in her heart, she doesn't know where all her feelings have gone. Maybe they've melted into nonchalance and they don't find themselves. They melt. She becomes the shadow she so wishes to grab at. She falls to the floor without diminishing, just like how she wanted it. And maybe she's still alive, still beautiful, still perfect, and still carved, features drawn into skin and shadow. But she melts. Friday, October 17, 2014, 9:22 PM
Mayday
What if the decisions we thought we were making right our whole lives were wrong?Today I've done nothing again but strangely too many thoughts were going through my mind. Maybe all it took was a ballad and an episode of Liar Game and scoffing at humanity once more. Why do people make decisions? Did we always make decisions under the assumption that the result of such choices would benefit us? When we make decisions do we always think of ourselves first or someone else? There are a few things I've always wanted to say about fandom and just going after a celebrity in general. It's silly, don't you think, to go after another human being and placing so much trust in one person and even your money in their products? Why do we do that, then? When I made a decision to like them did I think it would benefit me? Or is attraction towards another individual not by choice? Why then do I get to choose who I like and not like? Couldn't I, using the mechanism, just choose to not like them? Why do I spend money or time or tears or effort on them? Just because they are talented? Just because they seem like nice people? They're real, they're truthful and hardworking? But there are so many other people on this Earth and what we're fed are essentially the image they want to show us. It's not even who they even are, but why do we readily consume it and internalise and convince ourselves that we've fallen in love with someone with a great character? I suppose that's what happens for people in broken or abusive relationships - they always return because they believe that the person they've loved cannot be such a terrible person. But is it, really? Did we think that our love was strong to change a person, or did we just think of loving someone as something beautiful? "You can't love such a horrid person; that's not possible." But why is that not possible? That's completely plausible. What makes him a less attractive individual just because he's not kind like the rest? Or did you fall in love with his horrifying side and told yourself that love would change the person he was? So I think to some degree, attraction to someone is chemical. You don't just fall in love even if he has all the qualities you would like in someone. You don't just like that one kind of person and sometimes you like this one person who you've never imagined to be with. [ I guess they're there to provide you with some standards. Some things you think you could expect from a future partner. You're thick if you thought you had chances with them, of course, but who's to say we can't like him and hope that the someone waiting in our future is similar to him? But will I really love someone like him if I met him in real life and there was a ray of opportunity for us to be together? Aren't ideal types supposed to be ideal? Isn't their unattainability what keeps people hooked and wanting to come back to such dreams and delusions? What do we want to find in such people? I enjoy their music, but does that naturally mean I have to like them as people? No, but somehow I do, anyway. And why is that so? Because they're more good-looking than other humans? It's a strange thing; going after people who have never seen you in their whole life and you might not have even seen with your own eyes in your whole life. And yet they're the ones who bring you through adversity. They say things that weigh heavier than a thousand words said by the people beside you. They tell you to keep it up and you feel like you have the strength of a million men. But they're just humans, just like you and I. And why should they matter more, just because they're celebrities? They don't have special powers; they're just people who enjoy the stage and have the opportunity to stand before an audience, unlike many other talented people who crave for the same spotlight. It's a silly notion, when I think about it now. Going after one person or a few persons without really knowing them for who they are and taking in whatever you're fed. Wanting to know every small detail about their lives, like they're ants and every action they do is scruntinised under your magnifying glass. And why do we assume that we have a right to look over them with such detail? Because we spend on money on them? But don't we do that voluntary? Don't we buy it because we appreciate the work or appreciate their hard work, so we want their efforts to pay off and support them? It's an ugly world. People just think they have the right to do things without scruple because they are the paying party. And what's more saddening is that you live in your delusions and suppose with money you can move the world. The fact is that he still doesn't know who you are. And even if he did, so what? Your life is a lie. You've done a decision from years back, when you decided you liked him and you wanted to devote a great deal of your everything for him. And is it time to consider this decision, when all it has done is bring you as much happiness as sadness and you splurge all your money on them and in the end, what do you realise? There really is nothing at the end for you. It means nothing. There is nothing at the end. You're left with a broken heart, a wardrobe of their things and you realise it's all a waste. Of course, they're my favourite singers, I love their songs, so I don't mind if they're going downtrack. I'll love them no matter what. Fucking bullshit. Sunday, September 21, 2014, 10:24 PM
힘겨워한 날에 너를 지킬 수 없었던 아름다운 시절 속에
People are such frustrating beings at times. They are never truly contented and they somehow think the world owes them a living. Which of course isn't true, because nobody deserves to be here, and yet we're all here somehow.Is it really so difficult to jump out of our small boxes suffocating us with attention deprivation and decide that we're not the only individuals stuck deep in our troubles? Perhaps if we take on the opinion that other people are meeting with similar problems we would stop looking through the magnifying glass and understand that we're just mortal, and have earthly problems like everyone else. Instead it's important to constantly seek affirmation from others and wait for people to tell you you're right, like the locus of your identity is exterior to you. (Big Bang Theory reference. Not important.) And what do we attempt to achieve from that? By gaining approval from other people and have them tell you you're worthy of what they perceive you as? Living so many years in your life and you've failed to see what it is that holds the greatest importance to you. I really don't know what you're looking to achieve in your life and how that's supposed to be enriching to you. Everyone has problems and everyone has their own small little irritating things that piss people off but some people are different because they reflect and they admit that they're a little mean, ridiculous and illogical. But why should people's opinions matter so much? Why is it when it's a compliment it's taken rather lightly but treated with so much greatness in the heart, but when it's an insult it's a constant degradation of self but never self-reflecting to find out where the problem is so you can improve? Why should it matter so drastically when they are essentially unimportant portions of other people's measly perception? Well of course people shouldn't always be cut away from other people's opinions because sometimes they provide you with an insight about what kind of person you are. But should it really affect you so much it makes you miserable? If you cannot improve with other people's words, then why let it linger? People are filled with hate and vengeance and they can't all say constructive things, and if they aren't they really shouldn't stay because they're not important enough! I don't know why I'm ranting so extensively today and I'm losing all the poetic expression I should be having from all that lit analysis I did a while ago. I think I'm just going to retreat to bed, read LOTR and forget about it. Maybe it'll go away, along with the guilt of being unhelpful in all ways possible. Ah well. Monday, December 2, 2013, 12:13 AM
rather
There is comfort in knowing that someone cares.Perhaps if that love is large enough you'll forget that you cannot please the world and people can dislike you, just like how you dislike them. I miss my girls ): It has only been less than a week and I wasn't particularly close to Se Ern, but knowing that someone is making the effort to know me and be close to me (despite my very very fierce appearance, haha) is very nice. They tell me that it's difficult to find friends in JC because everyone is so competitive and they often think for themselves, but I'm really thankful to them. I've never had many lasting friends from my previous schools and sometimes I think about it and I feel sad. It feels like it's my fault for not maintaining this friendship and keeping ourselves contacted. But it suddenly dawns upon me that a friendship is like a clap; it takes both sides to make the effort. And these four girls. Of course at times we are too stressed out by our own problems we forget to care for each other, and some are more individualistic than others, some conceal better than others, and though I haven't been blatantly honest to all of them about myself as a person and my insecurities and seek their acceptance, I'm glad they stuck around. I do know I'm not the best person to be around - I can't keep my words to myself and I sometimes make people feel uncomfortable with my snarkiness or my truthfulness. I know I can be intolerable because I'm so mean and so judgemental and people would be afraid of me, though my words hurt more than any other fibre of my being. And though I haven't told them all about myself and to hope that they be slightly more patient with me, they took what they had and changed me into someone else. I'm glad they see that I'm not the mean vile ugly creature I'm on the outside and even though it's difficult to say words of concern or affection because I'm a prideful bitch, I'm thankful they can feel my care even without me saying it. JC life seemed a little too fast. Everyone was so concentrated on their studies everything else seemed to have happened as a blur and I'm rather regretful that our true friendship only built on after so long, way after we have spent 2 years staring at each other every day and tolerating each other's shit. Sometimes I can be emotional or temperamental and I will not hesitate to put myself down. Don't worry, I'm not fishing for compliments, though sometimes I can appear to be acting that way. I just need to voice out my unhappiness about myself and hopefully do something about it. Sometimes I boast and sometimes I just like to complain and do absolutely nothing. I hope you see this is all part of me and while it's not beautiful and it's more flawed than every other imperfect being out there, my heart remains true. I'm really thankful to even have friends. Sometimes I wallow in such self-pity that I feel I am undeserving of love. But even then, please pull me back. Please find me and pull me back, and you don't need to say a word. Just be there and I'll be happy enough. Thank you, all four of you, for being such beautiful creatures, something I fail to admit because I'm trying to work on complimenting people with a confidence I never found in myself. It must seem hasty to be showering you with such nice words suddenly, but believe me, these are words that I've been keeping in for quite some time and waiting to say them. There are times where I think you guys are serious retards (honestly, but I love you all the same hahaha) and sometimes I am honestly impressed at all of you (no bluff, k) for being such strong people. I feel like I've become stronger hanging out with all of you, no longer the stupid girl who would shy away from people and hide in her bedroom to cry. People who are not afraid of voicing their opinions, people with an acute sensitivity to know something's wrong, people who do not hesitate to share their hatred towards some people (wink wink) and standing up for each other. This friendship might have been strengthened during our stupid Whatsapp conversations, but I believe it has built up along the two years. And while I might have been rather opinionated about some of you, I learn to accept it as part of you being you, just like how you tolerate me for being me. I miss you all so much and I want you to know that I will be willing to brave storms with you, no matter how large the waves get or how strong the winds are. Maybe in a few months we'll be in different places (me in Australia UGH) and maybe you guys will come out for dinner without me (sobs) but we have to be in touch and Skype often and continue to bother each other with nonsense (not going to be difficult, I suppose). You are all very very precious people, and thank you very very much. For everything. For being here, for being you, for being my friend. I have said this in all your letters, that I'm thankful to you for being my friends, and I mean every bit of it. Thank you. I haven't said this enough, but thank you. To the four loveliest girls I have met in NJC. Nic, Rohini, Sarcthy, Se Ern. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being my friend. I love you ^^ Friday, November 22, 2013, 10:16 PM
Liberation
It's so close, I can smell it like it's a fingertip away. |